Hi everyone. Me again -_- hehe. Tada actually I don't know if I should post this or not because it seems like my muse to write just fade away day by day and there's nothing much to say but then I still do it to increase the number of post :). And I just want the contents in this post out of my head so my mind can be empty again like recycle bin :D. If u ever notice, my posts often cramped myriad of ideas under one topic thanks to my damn wild imagination so that's why my every post so long. As a result, I sometimes need longer time to settle and rearrange those jumbled thoughts so I won't lose track during middle of writing. :( But I failed all the time because when I keep writing, new words or ideas continue to pop up.
I really like to read and jot down everything which my tiny brain decided to suddenly pick them up so I won't forget them. Oops one problem though, my notes are so messy since I'm like "ohh empty space then I just write down there". In the end, the whole paper will be full of "scratchy chicken marks". D: I'm really a forgetful person because at this minute I'm doing or talking this, the next second I can totally forget what I've been doing just now. Maybe also sometimes I do something spontaneously like an autopilot or I don't really pay attention to it so I tend to be forgetful. But then recording can be a bad habit too because I'll always depend on the notes and not memories to remember... OMG what if I get dementia faster when I grow older O_o.
People are never alone because people can never survive alone. People might alone mentally but never literally physically alone because people born in society. Even there is no one beside u but u are always living surrounded by lives. U working dealing with coleagues and public communities, see the doctor when u are sick, eating food from grocery stores, markets and farmers, entertaining yourself with people productions and inventions like tv, computer, books, etc etc. Ok u might argue that u are alone if u live in rural area or deserted island by yourself like Robinson Crusoe but still when u're born, u are raised by your parents or guardians. Therefore, "Think before u act" as your actions not only affect yourself but also people around u. Take care of yourself because your body not belong solely yourself, if u involved in accident and injured or get sick due to your own incapability in health management, have u think how worry people who love u will feel? Do u ever think u can survive left in a forest raised by wild animals like in Jungle book? I guess not. Human interaction is so vital that people have to blend in well into society by adapting ourselves. If so so happen, there's still someone up there watching over us. "People who done evil will get bad karma". People always say "He/She will always live in their heart although the person no longer there" yet people still engulfed by loneliness because people live physically with own body flesh. People tend to believe in physical figures. Sometimes our mind might have forgot it but our body still hold the memories like pleasures, smells. 1st time u smell a perfume, the fragrance stimulates your senses and it absolutely smells nice but the 2nd time u do it again, your brain auto recognize the smell and the pleasant smell might decreases as your body already adapted to the smell. Your body itself know what is good and what is bad for its own, autoreflex. I guess that's may be the reason why a hug can be the best comfort when people upset. People craving for physical body heat as well as spiritual satisfaction just like why people must make love when they're in a relationship. Hmm... people might think as long as in love, there's no need intercourse but sometimes isn't it kinda a symbol of trust because u only "make love" or readily willingly give yourself to others when u really trust or comfort with that person? Take note, I'm saying "making love" which involves love and not just "sex". >_< What I'm saying might be wrong, don't take it seriously because I don't want to mislead people to wrong path.
To love and to be loved is the most wonderful thing in the world. Only Mutual feelings from the right person and right things will lead to happiness. For examples, the person u confess to return your feeling then a new love relationship blooming and u feel blissful for it. U only work something you like to do, then your job performed efficiently and u get promoted, isn't it like u love your job and your job loves u back.
I feel sorry for those old citizens. Watching your grandparents or parents, because they are older so u sometimes will think they got more experience, they're grown ups can take care of themselves, they're parents so they won't mind and always forgive. We just take whatever we are granted, just like parents' love and kinship. It always there so u don't ever feel the need to work hard to earn it. I don't think it won't the same as how u treat your friend. This concept makes me automatically forget that they're human too like us, they once live like a child too going through life cycle and they need love and attentions just like us but we youngsters always neglect them. "A child can never care for their parents like a mother does." I feel bad and pity especially those who gonna live throughout their other half life after their life partner passed away. Old age prohibits them from moving freely, how lonely when they have to stop what they like to do and they don't have more people to talk to when their old friends become deceased one after another. How devastated when they only left their own blood and flesh don't even want to communicate with them and left them alone. There's nothing I can help but hope they don't have any regrets and able to leave peacefully when the time comes.
Warning: I don't know if I should write this out or not because I don't like people to change themselves because of my own selfish opinions since parts of it are myself to blame or it could be all my own fault alone. And it will be kinda depressing so if u don't want to be emo or maybe u won't be influenced by my dark feelings, I advise u should stop scrolling down right now. If u decided to continue reading and u happen to discover something in the middle, just treat it as something totally unrelated to u or some fake fiction, don't take it to your heart at all. Don't go trouble your precious limited brain cells with what I've written as my hands just itchy to type. If u ever wonder why sometimes I always complain but I never spit it in front of certain people, I've stated my reasons on the 1st line of my warning. Some things are better left unsaid. What u read here will end in this post. OK? *pinky promise* ^^ Remember NO HARD FEELING after this. Sorry if my honesty and bluntness will might... u know, think less or different of me, damage your illusions of me... well this just officially further proclaim myself as negative person, pesismistic, emo, or watever names u wanna call me since u all knew I'm such a gloomy emotional wreck already. I've wanted to shout out my deepest core since long ago but I didn't have the heart to bring this out to light or call me a coward for hiding. :D Later on I swear there won't be any negative post like this ever again so don't worry u need no strain your eyes to read some complete nonsence again. When I can't be honest with other people, at least I hope I can be honest with u guys.
What will u feel if someone frequently tell u that u are her bestie and so important to her when she never even make an effort to remember your birthday? I believe that if u really care about someone, u will take notice about tiny details. Haha am I sound like a timid person? It's understandable if forgotten occasionally but she never even once greeted me. It's not that I mind if friends forget about the day I'm born because my family doesn't fond of celebrating this event and it often being forgotten since it always happens around the corner of holidays or CNY and sometimes I forget it myself too. Due to that reason, I never really received any birthday present till I get grow older. As a result I sometimes get scolded for forgetting my own birthday by an long old friend who seems always to be the 1st who wish me every year although we might not be as close so I'm very grateful to her. ^^ Gomawo chingu though she won't read this post.What will u feel if one of your best friends forget to call your name when you're both apart of the organiser of an event and she's announcing the list member of commitee? Well not a really big deal for u right? ^^ I'm such a narrow minded person again to u right? I don't think I would care much about it if it's other person who did the emcee job but she's one of my best friends. Only my ears heard my own heart cracking that night. Haha who can I blame since it's none of her fault that I'm such an non-existant person in her eyes but myself right? She even shunned me aside during some game activity so obviously that I rather she just talked to my face instead of tossed me to this group then to another group. She's a friend whom good to talk distantly but hanging out is once in a blue moon.
What will u feel if one of your best friends declares that u are her best buddy when her mind claim u as best friend but her heart seems fail to recognise u as best bosom? This wild free spirited butterfly seems doesn't know that she always hurt me unintentionally lots of time while she's either just so full of herself or she just notice about others but not me ^^. Or because I remain the same, so she think I'm always here when she simply walk in and walk out as she likes? Insecurities just happen if something always changing, like u feel the urge urgently to buy clothes when there's megasales because u afraid it will be sold out if it's too late. She doesn't even cherish my belongings, no matter it's something petty or important, u should always be considerate and careful with it since it's not your possession or am I wrong? Maybe she just treat me so lightly unawarely, so I said her mind seems to feeding her info that I'm her best friend but her heart fails to recognise me. Because the repetitious disappointment and betrayals, her words no longer able to reach my heart when her promises are meant to be broken that at one point, I would rather completely cut off the string. But fate just like to play around and the ties didn't broke loose but keep holding on become stable abit again but if 2nd time comes again, I don't think I would be hesitant to let her goes forever. Alright maybe it's my own problem again :)since it just me who encounter issue with her. I didn't hate her because hate is a big word and my heart wouldn't glad to burden itself with such a stupid bad feeling. Thank God we can remain as good friends.
What will u feel if one of your best friends abandon or neglect u when she found others? Hmm I don't blame her because partly was my fault when I left her alone 1st but it's also her hobby to always fly to others when she meets someone new ^^. I'm so used to it already so I don't care anymore if she decides to stay beside me or not. Somehow she might be the most innocent and honest friend that she's so dedicated to be the 1st who made me handmade gift. Therefore I felt gratitude to her too.
Despite the crowds surround me, I always feel lonely because of my personality. I'm not really the most friendly and cheerful person so I don't think people enjoy much to befriend me. I need time to warm up to new people unless "strangers" try to approach me 1st or else I can really remain as statue log freeze to a spot. I think my inconfidence built since I'm a child. Close friends knew I'm a kid in big family. Due to many siblings, my eldest brother and both my sisters were sent to be babysat by my relatives while me and younger brothers grew up under my own parents' hands. Therefore my older siblings are closer to my relatives and I'm never close to them at all till now. It bothers me so much last time but as I grow older I don't bother about it anymore ^^. Even my own older sisters, I'm only accepted into their group after I hit my puberty so u can say I'm quite distant with them. Well, u can say I still got my parents, grandparents and younger brothers but it's never enough, u know children like to get accepted by peers. So the only people I could pour my feeling to was my closest friend but still not all understand. I felt isolated and unwanted. "It felt so close yet so far". Now, everything become less awkward and we just like close normal brothers and sisters but the shadow still remains there. I even scared to touch my relatives' babies since I'm not close to them which my sisters could do it so carefree.
Hmm... the loneliness also occured because all my friends are such popular people? Haha I'm always torn apart because my closest friends can be divided to several groups. Like that I'm being tossed like a ball when some of these friends like to assume I got other group of friend to join and then just left me alone. People also like to ask "hey How your best friend?" when they knew I'm also close to them. Regarding some circumstances, I often said I don't have "best friend" but only "good friends" or best friendS because these friends some like to come close and at other time like to walk away, I'm not convinced anymore if they think me as best friend or not, so everyone is equal. *sigh* What to do? Why can't all friends just join together? Once a friend asked me that why my another friend couldn't join "us", why must separate time meeting? It's because I knew she will be left out of the group's conversation, this situation even happen to friends in one same group so what makes u think that it will work just fine when an "alien" join your group? Thus I really hate it when a group of friends each go their own ways during vacation trip, if like that why organize small group trip? Why not just go separately from the beginning right? If it gonna end like that, I rather go alone with another friend or two instead of a bunch according to the phrase "The more the merrier". Indeed it is true the more the merrier but if these bunch are strangers to each other, do u think u can enjoy yourselves to the fullest? Travelling with partners is hoping that u have companion to share your joyful experience because happiness is meant to be shared. Maybe u will disagree *shrugs*. So when "he" confessed he's so lonely in front of "us", I really felt empathy to him and always remember to drag him to our conversation so he felt less alone. U know how it feels when loneliness becomes unbearable... it suffocated me that I have no where to turn to but only drowning in my own interests.
Anyway, all these don't matter anymore because they're all in the past now and the dull heartaches have faded away following the time. I just want to let it all out and move on. I'm glad we all still remain as close as possible right now. I'm sorry to those if I ever misunderstood their feelings for I know I might not be a really good friend too. I'm thankful to those who become my newly developed close friends these few years back. I just hope I can be bold during the next time I meet someone interesting and ask them "Can I join u?"
-_- Is this depressing? Come come closer and let me help u flush your head in toilet so u can erase all u have read just now or lately it has been raining daily, go soak yourself under the fresh droplets of cloud hehe.
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